In further "universe out to get me" news, The Goddamn House purchase has fallen apart. The ex-wife, who needed to sign a simple little one-sentence addendum with no downside for her, has refused to sign. The moment I learned she wouldn't cooperate, my heart fell out and broke on the sidewalk. Even worse, it broke on the sidewalk in front of The Goddamn House, where I just happened to be standing when our warrior real estate agent called with the news.
But it ain't over. We've still got some fight in us and a few more ideas. Our warrior real estate agent, Susan, says "it isn't over until we give up" and we are not giving up, a fact that has earned us both admiration and threats of involuntary commitment from our loved ones.
A neighbor recently discovered The Goddamn House is not difficult to get into on account of something being left unlocked. Seattle Mom and I may or may not have taken advantage of that information to go back inside. We may or may not have taken a bottle of wine with us for a Goddamn House Happy Hour while we brainstormed more ideas.
One idea that holds some promise is "Occupy Goddamn House" -- we could get pretty comfy in there with a generator, a couple sleeping bags, and some buckets. It would be like camping, but illegal and surrounded by garbage and graffiti. The other option is flying down to Texas to seduce the ex-wife, who is a lesbian (hence the "ex" part, I'm guessing). Neighbors who know her say she is a "difficult, mean" woman. I can't wait to sex up that scary gal.
It's probably best to leave The Cockmobile at home for that particular mission.
There's some glorious graffiti in The Goddamn House --
I turned to Seattle Mom at one point and said, "Damn. I just can't shake the feeling this is our house." Then we both turned and saw this --
Admittedly, that's damn creepy. But how can I stop pursuing this house when the house itself is egging me on with ghostly messages, apparently from myself?
Yes, the whole house situation has put me in a bit of a funk. Thankfully, The Loosh is still around to distract me. Recently I told him he had to pick up his toys before he could turn on the television. He didn't like the idea and grumbled and sulked on the couch for awhile before slowly beginning to put his toys away. He mumbled things under his breath the entire time he cleaned -- my favorite was, "Well, I guess I'm not going to be a paleontologist anymore. I'm going to be too busy being a picking up guy."
Thanks, angry son. I really needed that laugh.
I'm going to be a little distant and distracted for awhile. I'll still be around but my thoughts are decidedly elsewhere, mainly with our imminent homelessness and how to convince a mean Texas lesbian I'm irresistible. So if I just suddenly trail off in the middle of a sentence it's because...
In it to win it, posse.
Cockmobile out,
MJ
P.S. Has anyone else out there ever gone nuts over a piece of property? Please? Even if you haven't, just lie, and tell me an inspirational story that will make me believe in real estate miracles again.
Great post but I am so sorry about the house! The house really is speaking to you so obviously you have to bat for the other team for awhile and seduce the evil woman.
ReplyDeleteWe almost didn't get the house we currently own. The house had been abandoned and the owners lived out of town. They were willing to sell the house but had a lazy ass realtor who didn't feel like submitting proposals to them. My husband finally got fed up with the realtor, tracked down the owners,drove to their house and sat on their front steps till they got home. When they finally arrived, he explained what was happening, they told him to contact their realtor, he said he wasn't leaving their porch till they had accepted or rejected his offer. They accepted, took the realtor out of the transaction, we got the house and didn't have to pay the realtor fee. So, go to Texas and work your magic, we know you have it in you! Or, you could always threaten to turn your kids loose on her. That has worked for me before.
~Melanie
Thanks, Melanie. The house is talking to me for sure but the stupid universe isn't paying any attention at all. What a bummer.
DeleteBatting for the other team, huzzah! Thanks for the uplifting real estate tale. If I could track mean Texas lesbian down, I would most certainly camp out on her front porch. Who knows, maybe we'd even become friends.
Thanks for stopping by, Melanie.
We coveted an old farmhouse for years. We were turned down time after time until one day the owner finally gave in and we got it! Hang in there if it's meant to be, it will be.
ReplyDeleteThe words "old farmhouse" conjure up all sorts of wonderful images. I'm glad you got your house. You're a loyal posse member, even followed me from France, so you deserve ALL GOOD THINGS IN THIS WORLD. Bye, Lisa!
DeleteYes! There is an 1870 Victorian "Addams Family" house in my hometown in NJ and I've loved this creepy looking house all my life. Which is now 50 years. I just found out it is on the market for the first time in 36 years! I just saw photos of the interior, which I expected to have been trashed based on the overgrown yard and bad exterior paint job (I think hippies had been living there since the 70s), but it's been beautifully restored and preserved. It's a gem. It was on the market last summer for $650K and is now down to $539 and I am trying to figure out how to get my memoir finished and sold to a publisher with film rights for at least $600K so I can buy THAT goddamned house that I will NEVER be able to live in, because now I live in Paris with my goddamned wonderful French husband and don't even want to live in my old hometown ever again. But I still want that goddamned house and an hoping for a miracle so I can own it. Let's hope we BOTH get a miracle on this one, you and me.
ReplyDeleteHi Bold Soul. Well look at us over here, two loons in love with properties that don't make any sense at all. Oh well, let's keep fighting for them anyway.
DeleteIf we don't get it, can we go to your hometown and buy that Victorian? It sounds fabulous!
Here's to goddamn house pipe dreams, all around.
You know, I live here in Texas, and I have waaaaaay too much time on my hands. Give me a bit more info on her whereabouts, and I'll sex this gal up for you.
ReplyDeleteBAM. Now that's how it's done. THAT'S how a posse rolls. Someone having a problem somewhere? Someone else will sex someone up for you. That's loyalty right there.
Delete(I wish I could tell you where she is in that eff'g huge state. They won't give me her contact info; I always have to go through the agent.)
Congrats Mrs. Howard. You win some kind of prize. Let me think up a good name for it.
You can charm anyone, MJ! I vote for go to Texas and find the ex-wife!
ReplyDeleteThank you, Lou! I feel bolstered by your support so I will either fly down to Texas and find her or sit here and finish this beer. Haven't decided yet.
DeleteBye, Lou. Thanks for coming by.
Howdy all...drunk Debbie here...have had many real estate loves...but really want to by my grandparents house...I can't belIeve other people live in it and that I'm not allowed in their any time I want....bugs me
ReplyDeleteLove that staircase...hang in there ..don't give up yet
Currently watching midnight cowboy.....what a movie...random I realize but hey..I'm drunk
Okay Duchesse..where are you?
Good Lord, Debbie, you are cracking me up lately. Drunk Debbie. Drunk Debbie. That is some funny shit right there.
DeleteI hear you. It really bothers me that someday someone else is going to be living in my goddamn house. They are going to get awfully sick of me peering in the windows and giving 'em the finger.
Midnight Cowboy. Nice choice. Enjoy your drink.
Lots o' love, Drunk Debbie.
“My heart fell out and broke on the sidewalk” - exquisite sentence. Just beautiful.
ReplyDeleteI’m gonna bet the “I love cock” was supermodel neighbour’s way of gently letting you know that you’ve crossed over into crazy-stalker-woman territory.
Okay, so the universe is making the house battle ridiculously tough for one of two reasons - either you’re meant to fight like hell for it, or you’re meant to give up because your soulmate house is still waiting out there for you.
I'm gonna play Sensible Slap Posse Member today. What are you actually in love with... is it the physical house? The future life you could have there? Wanting some security, putting down some roots? Being in a street with people you love? Having a project to get stuck into? Or is it the perfect storm of having all of those things in the one place?
Nobody’s perfect until you fall in love with them. It’s the same with houses.
You can send yourself crazy - you WILL send yourself crazy - trying to control something over which you have no control. The trick if figuring out which things those are (hey, I didn’t say I had all the answers).
By the way, WTF does a lesbian ninja look like?
Bec! Look at you being so sensible. I appreciate it, woman. As for my reasons to love the house, they are numerous. I love the house itself, love the street full of people I heart, love the location in the city, love I have the opportunity to make the house new again and just the way I want it, love the big-ass backyard which is extremely rare in these city neighborhoods. Sigh. I love the whole damn package.
ReplyDeleteBut we get it. It's a long shot. We're starting to look at other possibilities in the 'hood. None so far have everything the goddamn house does, so we keep looking, and may just have to settle. Just like Al did when he married me.
Point well made on the "nobody's perfect until you fall in love with them" thing. So true, so true. It's all going to be OK.
Thanks for the sensible slap all the way from Australia. You've got long arms.
Hee hee, my arms look like this... http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mr._Tickle
DeleteI'll slap ya any time you want, baby :)
Doesn't mean I don't also want to pick up all the little heart pieces from the sidewalk and stick 'em back together with crazy glue for ya (or dress up like a lesbian ninja and head on down to Texas with Mrs H for some threesome house-getting lovin'...)
Too bad Oregon doesn't have the same squatting laws as France... cuz you could squat that house and noone could get you out!;)
ReplyDeleteYou know how some women try to get pregnant for years and can't... and when they finally stop trying, BAM?! Same for that house, I guess. When you want something too badly, it's like you're squeezing a bar of soap: it keeps slipping out of your fingers. But if you just hold your palm up without squeezing, the bar of soap ain't going anywhere... Deep, eh?;) So let go of the house (it IS a great house and I totally know what you see in it!), and see what the Universe has in store for you...:)
Hey Debs!:) I'm still in The Hague, but I'll go have that beer in Trenna with ya, unless you come to Ottawa;) Or what the hell: we could meet in Kingston!;)
First I think you mean washington (state).....hee hee
DeleteAnd Kingston is a big possibility...my sister lives in Picton so we are always down that way...it's a date!
Cheers!f
Holy shit, if you two really get together, can I come, too? I've met you both -- your meeting is going to be hella fun.
DeleteAlways remember you met your new Canadian BFF on my blog, okay? An American Mom in Paris bringing the world together. Makes me happy.
Washington... DUH! Of course!;) Oh Dear!;) Too much wine!;)
DeleteI actually like Kingston:) That could work:) Yes Mindy, come!!:) Or let's all get together in Seattle, WASHINGTON, what the heck!;)
Texas Lesbian sounds perpetually pissed off. You should get her a cat. According to MY Lesbian friends, Lesbians like cats. I dunno. It's worth a try. I'm sorry you're having trouble. Here is something that might make you feel better:
ReplyDelete"We will not go quietly into the night!" We will not vanish without a fight! We're going to live on! We're going to survive! Today we celebrate our Independence Day! -President Whitmore.
Ok so it's a quote from a fake President, talking about the possible annihilation of the human race by a group of traveling killing aliens. I think in this case it applies.
As usual, the Looshism made me laugh out loud. Mean mommy. Making him give up his dreams to become "picking up guy". To cute and so funny.
Sending you good #getthathouse vibes! Good luck.
Hi April. Love the hashtag. Cat's not a bad idea, guess anything is worth a shot so I'll gather up a cat and ship it off to Texas tomorrow.
DeleteI'm a little down for sure, but that President Whitmore quote nearly made me pee my pants I laughed so hard. I love that quote, must use it more often. I'll find a way to incorporate it into my daily life. I think it will really inspire those around me.
Thanks, April, for the laughs, the support, for being a loyal posse member who didn't abandon me when I left Paris and became house-obsessed. OK, bye.
As a real estate agent of 15 years' standing, I can't tell you any cheering-up stories to make the Goddamn House situation any better -- other than to say you're not alone in your misery. I have discovered that real estate can bring out the absolute worst in people's character. And when you're dealing with ex-spouses who have an opportunity to foul up the works, the nastiness factor quadruples.
ReplyDeleteOf course, none of this information is getting you any closer to finding a house. But misery does love company.
Thanks, Big Fish. I know. It's just a rough business these days with so many short sales on the market and the vast majority of them falling through. How does anything even get sold anymore?
DeleteWe're looking around. It's not the end for us. Today we celebrate our Independence Day. (see above comment from April. Still laughing over that one.)
Thanks for the support. Good to know there are lots of unhappy people out there!
The cockmobile ... oh gosh you gave me a much needed giggle! I do hope things work out with the house. And I do hope if it does, it's worth all the agony these people have put you through!
ReplyDeleteThanks, Sweetest Days, and glad The Cockmobile made you laugh. I call it The Cockmobile all the time now, which makes me laugh, too, but has made a few people look at me funny.
DeleteThese people have indeed put us through some agony. If we ever get The Goddamn House, we're going to write, "HA! SUCK IT!" letters. Because we're classy!
Bye to you and thanks for stopping by.
Call me crazy but wasn't there a message on the wall to you, from you, "never give up", seems pretty clear to me, it will be your's, just keep believing. Keeping everything crossed for you! Cockmobile, love the sounds of that.
ReplyDeleteThat's right. If I don't listen to myself, myself is going to get really angry with me. We're crossing everything but are a little dejected all the same. Not looking too good.
DeleteCockmobile. Everyone should have one.
Bye Tara, and thanks, and have a good one..
House: it's happened to us twice. You'll get the one you want, or maybe something even better.
ReplyDeleteAs for The Loosh, don't paleontologists pick up fossils? Picking up toys is good practice.
Chris, nice, I'll remind Lucien he has to work on his picking up skills to be a good paleontologist. Hope he buys it.
DeleteHey MJ,
ReplyDeleteI don't post often (almost never, because I'm a lazy ass bitch) but I've been reading every single post since you left Paris. I love that you are still blogging, even after a trans-Atlantic move with 2 little kids (and a hunky French Canadian hubby!) and re-integrating into the wonderland that is US culture!
I truly believe you will get the goddam house. Karma is karma, and you have loads of good karma coming your way from making so many of us blow coffee out of our noses laughing at your blog in the last years. You are good people and good things happen to good people. Don't give up, keep striving and hoping and praying and plotting.......how can anyone who drives a cockmobile not get what they truly wish for?? I'll bet that lesbian ex-wife would sign that form in a minute if she could just meet you and see how much that freakin' house means to you and Al. Keep the faith, MJ, that house belongs to you guys in spirit and will one day on paper.
Jo
Jo, you're like a damn cheerleader today! Thanks for the optimism and support.
DeleteI hope you're right about the karma thing. We try to do good but sometimes we're just jerks, so here's hoping the universe didn't notice the "jerk" times. I think the mean lesbian would like me, too, once she got past the part about me flying down from Seattle and knocking on her door. Scary much?
(Alex is going to puff out his chest and feel super good about life when I tell him you called him "hunky." He thanks you for that!)
Bye, Jo, happy to hear you're still hanging around! I never really know who's reading this stuff anymore.
Someone sent me the link to this post and I just wanted to tell you how much I admire your attitude. You wrote an excellent story here that left me chuckling, but the underlying note is that you need that Godamn House. I'm not a crazy religious fanatic, but I grew up with strict Catholic parents who would be praying like crazy to St. Joseph, the patron saint of homes and real estate. I still pray to saints, and this one is one of my favorites. My mother used to bury a statue of him in the lawn to make our houses sell more quickly.
ReplyDeleteps - loved the cockmobile part. Absolutely hilarious.
Thank you, Country Girl. Who sent you the link, and would they like my firstborn child? Just kidding, of course, life would be lame without my boy.
ReplyDeleteI have some very catholic friends who have been praying a novena for the house. If you have any catholic tricks like that, anything would be appreciated. Come on, Saint Joe!
Thanks for stopping by and leaving a note. It means a lot!
I've never been to Seattle, but now I know that this is a place I have to check out when I ever do. And I for one wouldn't mind if your blog 'devolved' into being about the shit your kids say. They are as funny as their momma! Sign me up for that blog...
ReplyDelete