Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Queen Anne and rock attack

Lucien said he keeps losing his self-manager badge at school because "it's hard for me to follow the rules, Mom."  When I asked what the rules were, he said, "Don't run...don't show your butt... don't hit the kids... don't pee in your pants."  Sure hope he's losing his badge over the running one.

We were up in the Queen Anne Hill neighborhood last week.  Queen Anne is the neighborhood where you can buy a huge house with a view of the city and water, but only if you can also find ten million dollars stuffed in your couch cushions.

We went to a fantastic sandwich place up on Queen Anne.  It's a typical Seattle place because there isn't a garbage can -- you must choose between "recycle" and "compost."   Alex stood in front of those two bins for a full five minutes, looking back and forth between them, then staring down at the wad of gum in his hand.  "Hey M.J., can you compost gum?" he asked.  "Ummm...???" I replied.


Alex went up to the front counter and asked the hippies if they had a garbage can for his gum.  They blinked at him like they'd never heard of a landfill before.  They finally ripped off a small piece of butcher paper in which to wrap his gum, so he could carry it out of the restaurant and dispose of it elsewhere.

Now don't get me wrong, I dig environmentalism.  I just don't dig places that make you put garbage in your purse and carry it around for the afternoon.

After finding an appropriate waste receptacle, we went to Kerry Park.  Alex was the only father at the playground intent on showing off his muscles.  He flexed a lot, and loudly demanded I feel his pecks.  I wonder what the really rich people thought when I squeezed Alex's boobies in front of the children.

 Is that a Space Needle back there next to your right leg or are you just happy to -- that makes no sense, forget it.

I left Al with his biceps and climbed up to Kerry Park viewpoint.  I've lived in Seattle almost fifteen years (minus a three-year hiatus in Paris), and this viewpoint has never failed to stir my soul.  There's no prettier combination than city, water, and mountains -- and that's not an opinion, folks, that's a cold, hard fact.




There are always photographers standing around Kerry Park viewpoint at sunrise and sunset, waiting for the right light so they can take the same photo a bazillion other photographers have taken.


I volunteered in Lucien's classroom not long ago.  I was a helper to the teacher for the science lesson on wood (from trees...stop being perverts, people).  I soon learned "being a helper" to the teacher meant she could really boss me the eff around.

The teacher gave us the lowdown on the lesson before the kids came in from recess.  Previous wood lessons have been on wood grain and the buoyancy of wood, but our lesson was going to be "how to change wood."  When she said "change," I said the first thing that came to mind (this is rarely a good idea)  -- I said, "Oh my God!  We're going to burn it?"  My palms grew sweaty as I imagined twenty-three kindergarteners with lit matches in their hands and scores to settle.

Teacher looked at me and said slowly, "Umm....no, we're going to sand it, like with sandpaper."  I was relieved, and agreed hers was a much better idea.  I don't think she's going to let me be helper ever again, which is fine because I can only take so much saying "please don't do that" to the kid trying to eat sanded wood particles off his desk before I go batshit crazy.



Lucien is organizing an attack on Seattle Mom and Dad's neighbor, Architect Neighbor, who's renovating the home next to theirs.  Lucien somehow got the impression Architect Neighbor killed the corn behind Seattle Mom and Dad's house with his excessive building materials.  It's not true, Seattle Dad killed his own corn, but Lucien will not listen to reason.

Lucien has decided Architect Neighbor must pay.  He has been feverishly drawing diagrams of how the attack is to unfold.  It's apparently set for 5:00 a.m. this Saturday and involves throwing rocks, which Lucien is collecting from around the neighborhood and storing in an empty egg carton.  Yikes.

 Holy sh*t, the kids have boulders. Or maybe large eggs?  Whatever -- run.

The Loosh has recruited kids from his class to take part in the attack.  He's explained the corn-killing offense, and told them if they want to take part, they have to write their names on slips of paper and put them in the "Attack Architect Neighbor" envelope.  Each day, he proudly shows me another little piece of paper with "Isabelle" or "Jonathan" scrawled across it.

His recruits have also started drawing pictures of kids throwing rocks at grown-ups, which I'm sure is somewhat alarming to his teacher.  She probably mutters, "The kids are planning something, the kids are planning something" in the break room, clutching her coffee mug and rocking maniacally back and forth until another teacher slips her a Valium and smooths her hair.

This is getting long.  I'll leave, but will be back, because there's more, there's always more.


Sleep with one eye open this weekend, Architect Neighbor!
MJ

35 comments:

  1. I love the 'Don't show your butt.'. Kinda makes you imagine the backstory of how that particular rule came into existence

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    1. Well, given the Loosh wandered through the living room earlier with his pants around his ankles.... one may not need to wonder too hard...

      Pretty sure he's never mooned the school. I think I would have heard about that one. From him first, probably. Gleefully.

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  2. I think it was that dodgeball you played with the kiddies in the last episode that has led to the potential stoning death of your neighbor. You probably should have played checkers instead.
    You may want to enroll your neighbor into a witness protection program.

    It taught them the value of destruction by throwing things. And now they're taking it to a higher level. (I say 'they' because I think Coco is in on it too).
    And all because Axex is so lousy at farming.

    Yes, I think, before its all over, they very well may end up assaulting a machine gun nest. At least they can get a medal for that. Hang it above the fireplace and bask it the glory of it all.

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    1. Hi Bill. Coco's in on it too, all right. She may even be the ringleader. I shudder to think our dodgeball game set the kids on paths of destruction. But it's possible, yes, yes, it is.

      Machine gun nest? I'll keep you posted.

      Cheers, Bill.

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  3. Is that blue sky in Seattle?...wtf?

    Loosh stories never fail to please your possie...he's a cool one..not sure what he's got there in that cup?

    keep calm and carry on MJ....

    and I'm sure Coco is the ring leader.

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    1. Debbie! Hello! The sky is often blue in Seattle, especially now that winter's behind us. (Actually, now I'm hearing the news in the other room, and sounds like forecast is for snow. So scratch that "winter's over" part.)

      But yes, Seattle is often beautiful once winter's past. It's how we all stay sane. Selective memory, you know.

      I included that picture of Lucien and then forgot to write about it. We went to Menchie's after the sandwich shop -- it's a frozen yogurt place where you load your own toppings. I had Thin Mint ice cream with caramel sauce and gummy bears. I regret nothing. Lucien had a tiny bit of yogurt topped with every topping they had. That way he didn't have to make difficult decisions. Place is wonderful, I should write about it sometime.

      Lucien is a controversial one. He's going to be a handful to raise but I love him with all I got, so I'll make it work.

      Keeping calm...carrying on.... bye Debbie.

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    2. I thought it looked like Menchies...we have that here too in the great white north.

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  4. Oh.My.God. It's the Seattle version of "Children of the Corn"!!

    Be scared. Be VERY scared.

    Now if you'll excuse me, it's 23:06 The Hague time, so I'm off to sleep with one eye open...

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    1. Hi Duchesse. HA HA HA HA. That's exactly what it is. Children of the Corn. OMG, that's terrifying, I'm also going to sleep with one eye open!

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  5. Your adventures always make me laugh.
    Love the view from Kerry Park. Gorg!

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    1. Thanks, Shauna. Kerry Park is one of my favorite spots, never gets old.

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  6. Oooh, pretty Seattle pics! Feels like the opening to an episode of Grey's Anatomy, the one where all is quiet in the ER until a busload of pantless burnt rock-wielding kids turn up.

    What the hell does Lucien have in that cup? It looks like doody and pickles (also the name of my oddly unsuccessful ventriloquist act).

    Oh I feel your pain. I hated hated hated being a classroom helper. I used to get yelled at for taking too long to cut up the fruit and my son would spend the day superglued to my leg. I was like a one-legged pirate trying to herd goats away from eating the playdough. Pirates!

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    1. Bec, good Lord, to be inside your mind for just five seconds. You got all sorts of crazy good stuff in there.

      Doody and Pickles. Doody and Pickles. That is funny.

      Lucien actually has frozen yogurt and five thousand toppings in that cup. Thankfully, looks like some fruit there on top. Fruit covered in chocolate sauce. I win a little, he wins a little.

      Doody and Pickles. Doody and Pickles. Thank you, Bec.

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  7. Sounds like another day in paradise - minus the paradise !

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    1. You got it, R. Still fun, though.

      See you soon?

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  8. Your fire plan with the wood made more plan than my assumed completely nonsensical activity for changing wood - ie petrifying it. Because most junior school kids are good at waiting for 5 minutes for things to happen, let alone several thousand years...

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    1. Petrifying it. OK, that's funny. Thanks for that!

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    2. I don't think I should give up my day job.

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    3. Also, made more SENSE rather than PLAN. Because I also can't speak English apparently.

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  9. I think Lucien should have a permanent "self manage" badge based on his mad organizing skills to recruit his classmates on his plan for revenge! Sounds like he manages just fine....

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    1. He manages some things very well, it's true. Just not himself, maybe. Wonder if that will win him some points at school?

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  10. ok Lucien loses his self manage badge (hate that name) because he will never fit into a rediculous program like that. Every Loosh story you tell sounds exactly like something my sister used to tell me about her son now 38yrs old and the owner of one of the most successful restaurants in a city of 75,000 people. He is the drawing card! Love Ms Thing (Coco) too! Must see natthefatrat.com blog today! She is you only younger and mormony and I admire her too just like you. Kathy

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    1. I have no doubt Lucien will be a successful, interesting adult someday. We've just got to get him there! I will check out the blog you mentioned -- love young and mormony!

      Here's to kids that break the mold and are really, really loud about it. Huzzah!

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  11. I'm guessing the Loosh will grow up to be the leader of the free world. Or the head of organized crime, it's a thin line between the two. Gotta love a kid with that potential!

    ~Melanie

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    1. HA. Agreed. He could use his powers for good or evil. Our fingers are crossed. Bye, Melanie!

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  12. Apropos of absolutely nothing...I discovered your American Mom Blog just as you were done with it...I am working my way through it but wanted to join your posse and say hi...thanks for the laughs. I spend my summers in France and LOVE your descriptions of..well...just about everything. Now...I gotta get back to reading...when I last left the Loosh, he had thrown his millefeuille in the garbage. Can't wait to hear (see?) what happens next....

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    1. Thanks, Rebecca! Oooh, there's a long way to go from the millefeuille in the garbage!

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  13. Google reader said there was a new post! I was so excited :(

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    1. Really? I'm writing a new one... but haven't published it...is Blogger jumping the gun?

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  14. Blogger is being a tease! There is the promise of chickens!

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    1. Oh my... my first paragraph in the new post is about chickens! What's going on? It's like Blogger is telling all my secrets!

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  15. Hilarious! Would you have been characterized as angry if you just stuck the gum on the underside of the counter?

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  16. Hey MJ,

    The Loosh will either become the next Steve Jobs or the next Quentin Tarantino (either would be good, but he'll make more money by giving us shit we think we can't do without ~ every 3 months).

    As much as I loved this entry, I'm here to say thanks for leading me to the Lawrence/Julie & Julia Project ~ I'm been giggling, snorting and just plain LingOL for the past 2 days ~ and I'm only on the 2nd month. Thanks for giving me another reason not to read any real books or help hubby with spring cleaning. OMG!

    Jo

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