Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Coconut Balls

Have you ever had one of those periods in life when everything you touch, look at, or think about turns into a sh*tstorm?  Greetings from Sh*tstorm Alley.

This current sh*tstorm is so oppressive it's bordering on comical.  I roll out of bed in the morning and am immediately walloped by the myriad of problems I have to solve and relationships I need to repair.  And that's not including the houses; the first floor of the house in which we live is currently draped in plastic. Fear not -- it's for a large drywall project, not a disease outbreak.

The house looks exactly as it did the day before we moved in eight months ago.  Progress?

Before the downstairs was rendered inaccessible by plastic and dust and plaster, we had to identify all essential items from downstairs and shuttle them upstairs.  We decided on the dog food, the espresso machine, a toaster, a basket of scarves and a case of wine.  You discover what's truly important when you're forced to whittle down the contents of an entire floor.

It's pretty cramped, messy living up here on the upper floor.  We make our morning espresso in our bathroom.  It's convenient to have a coffee in your hand less than thirty seconds after rolling out of bed so maybe we'll keep it there.

I have set up a temporary "desk" on the floor of my bedroom which necessitates me sitting cross-legged for hours at a time.  When it's time to get the kids from school, I must drag myself out to my car using only my arms, my legs dragging uselessly behind me and making funny patterns in the sheetrock dust on my way out the door.  Mama's apparently too old for that cross-legged crap.

Al and I went to watch the Super Bowl with a handful of friends at a sports bar.  Nobody in our group cared much about either team (GO SEAHAWKS 4-EVER!)  but the bar patrons were overwhelmingly in favor of the Ravens.  So Alex, because he's a contrary sort, began cheering loudly and obnoxiously for the 49ers.  I don't know why that man has to nearly get me into a fistfight every time we leave the house.

It was a close game but the 49ers lost.  A man seated nearby, obviously chomping at the bit to kick Alex's ass all night, came over, threw his arm around Al's shoulders and yelled, "49ERS SUCK!" into his face.  Alex, once again his usual football-ambivalent self, just shrugged, smiled cheerfully and said, "Oh, I don't care, I'm from Canada!"

The Ravens guy looked pretty confused and disappointed by the response.  He just stared at Alex with furrowed brow, then dropped his arms to his sides and walked away.  It was awesome.

I was recently a chaperone for another first-grade field trip; this one lasted over five hours and involved walking downtown's International District with a large group of children. 

The teacher stuck me with a group of four crazy boys, one whose hand I had to hold because he's known for wandering off and/or kicking people.  Early on my group declared, "Lucien's mommy is an enchilada!" and spent much of the day trying to take bites out of my arms as I led them safely from one location to another.  I tried to defend myself, told them not to eat the chaperone, that it was one of the safety rules, but did they listen?  Not really.

At the Asian grocery store, my group took the words "don't touch the seafood" to mean "touch ALL of the seafood and by all means wipe your nose first." I heard myself saying things I've never said before such as,  "Drop that geoduck and step away from the tank."

Chaperone masochists

Speaking of boys, I think Seattle Mom's son looks like Anne Hathaway in Les Miserables when he plays dress-up with Coco.  Judge for yourself --

He dreamed a dream in times gone by

We went to a charity auction over the weekend, the same auction we went to last year at which Gumby made an appearance.  Alex must have been in the mood for coffee this year because he bid on every coffee item in the silent auction and unfortunately won them all. Our kitchen is currently inaccessible so twenty crates of coffee are now sitting on the landing at the top of our stairs.  They're in the way and I trip over them daily but oh, sweet heavenly aroma!

Say bye-bye to all your money, suckers

During the live auction, I bid on and won a belly dance lesson for eight.  It seemed a great idea at the time due to the influence of my good friend, wine.

A young man seated at the table next to us must have been even more tipsy than I was -- he bid nine hundred dollars for a puppy.  You could tell by his eyes he really wanted that puppy but as bidding went up and up, it looked like he was about to bow out.  Our table egged him on, took up a collection and threw some money at him.  It worked; we helped push that nice young man into buying a puppy for way too goddamn much money.

There's a good reason why the raffle tickets are dollar sign-shaped bling

At charity auctions, you learn an important life lesson -- you learn that true friendship is a friend screaming "BID! BID! BID!" in your face until they break you and you cry.

There was a priest seated at our table of friends, which hardly seemed a good idea.  He was a great guy and good sport, though, and managed to sit with us most of the evening without announcing we were all doomed and about to burst into flames. He finally stood and excused himself after our friend, Seattle Dad, put his hand inside a tasty dessert jar for the hundredth time and said seductively, "I can never get enough of these coconut balls..." 

Seattle Dad also posed with a pricey bottle of wine down his pants --

We are adults who act as children

I told Seattle Dad to enjoy his pricey bottle of wine.  He replied, "Oh believe me, I already have."

And finally, here's a picture of Alex's muscles --


Thanks for helping me forget the sh*tstorm for a minute, posse.


  1. I think you're subconsciously trying to turn your huge new house into a tiny Paris apartment. Also, I miss the Gumby.

    1. Bec, this is why we're sisters from different mothers on different continents -- I said the exact same thing to Alex. Exact same thing. And I think it's true. Either that or I was trying to return to the womb?

  2. coconut balls and sh*tstorms are my life everyday-i SO GET IT!

  3. Good lord you two are young and good looking. I thought having children was supposed to age people, not make them appear younger and fitter? I any case, it's very disconcerting so you should both stop it right now.


    1. Kiki! You are very nice. When I look at pictures of me and Al, I think we look tired. And old, or at least not as dewey fresh as we used to look.

      But no matter, we're pretty happy. So at least there's that.

      Thanks for stopping by, Kiki!

  4. Your life is like a sitcom, I love it! Why on earth would you volunteer to be a chaperone, again. I did it once, it didn't go well. Took a bunch of second graders to a science museum, all went well until they had us in a room with 30 seven year olds between me and the door and they brought out this HUGE snake, which I'm deadly afraid of. I only yelled "OH SH*T" stepped on a couple of kids, jumped over the rest and flew out the door. Teachers have no sense of humor nor did my daughter she and her sister never asked me to do it again.

    I know it seems like it will never end, renovations, but someday you will look back at this and say, what the heck were we thinking!

    It will be beautiful!

    1. Hi Tyra. Maybe I should start a new blog, a community one this time -- "Tales from Chaperone Hell," it will be called. I would have done the same thing with the snake, by the way. Snakes are not my friends, they're all out to kill me I swear.

      Thanks for the house encouragement. We've recently returned from a long weekend away to find sheetrock in every single nook and cranny of the house. It's even inside the refrigerator. Today's a day it feels it will never, ever end.

      Bye, Tyra, good luck with them evil snakes out there.

  5. An enchilada? I always saw you more as a hot tamale. Shows what I know;)

    It hit me in that post that you've ditched the Parisian style in favour of the funky, cool, hipster Seattle style. Very nice:)

    1. Hot tamale. Oooh, I like it and you flatter me, Duchesse. That's why you're co-queen of the posse.

      It depends on the day regarding my style. Still wear the Parisian vetements half of the week, give or take? They're not always conducive to our hearty outdoor Pacific Northwest activities, however, hard as it is.

      I haven't given up completely, I swear.

      Bye, D, best to you as always.

  6. Tyra,

    I have a feeling they're already asking themselves that question;)

  7. two tickets to the gun show please..hubba tell Alex that the canadian part of your posse is impressed.(I'm looking at you Duchesse)

    I concur with Tyra..why volunteer again unless it was a way to get out of the house and away from the mess , that I can understand..I did my dishes in the bathtub for two months once..

    "it's going to be beautiful..just not necessarily in your lifetime"

    1. Al kicks ass! The other member of the Canadian delegation of the posse is also very impressed:)

      (Hi Debs!)

    2. HA! I told Al about the gun show comment. He puffed out his chest and looked mighty pleased. Way to go, Canadian ladies.

      I just chaperoned again. I have a sickness. I just can't stay away from those kids.

      I'm ignoring your "not necessarily in your lifetime" comment, Debbie, IGNORING IT.

  8. I just got through Valentine's Day parties today (I work in education), and I have to go to the Philadelphia Zoo next month. I'm shaking in my boots. How many kids do you think I can lose?
    I like museums and plays better, I can keep the kids trapped better.

    Good job getting them all back in one piece, MJ!

    I love your auctions, I love how you don't know you need stuff until you see it and you have to win the bidding. I want to go!

    My super bowl party got moved to a house without the friends just don't like to share.

    That picture of you two is adorable...Al is getting seriously hot!

    1. Lou! I just chaperoneds a Valentine's Day party! It was complete and utter chaos. Good luck on the trip to the zoo and no worries, my guess is you can't lose more than three or four so that's pretty good.

      I love auctions, too. Now if I'd just remember to use the stuff I won. We didn't use most of it from last year, which made Al pretty grumpy. I forgot to tell him you said he was hot -- I'll do that now, pretty sure he's going to puff out his chest some more.

      Bye, all, always happy to see you guys around.