I returned home from dinner at 11:00 p.m. to find my family wasn't home yet. They finally straggled in, both kids wired with hair pointing in every which direction, at 11:30.
Coco's eyes were wild. She grabbed my face and pushed my cheeks into fishy-face formation, put her face a millimeter from mine and yelled, "I ATE CANDY MOMMY."
To top it all off, Lucien was barefoot. Alex had somehow lost Lucien's brand new shoes at a dinner with only five people present We never saw those shoes again. Alex suspects they were thrown in the lake but he doesn't really know.
This is why Alex is rarely in charge around here.
If you guys were worried my life would become boring once I returned home after a three-year stint in Paris, DON'T WORRY. My life is heart-palpitatingly exciting here in Seattle.
Exhibit A: Lucien may or may not have lost his shoes in a lake. (!!)
Exhibit B: We recently took part in a Guinness World Record attempt for largest number of people playing hopscotch simultaneously. Dreams are coming true in the Central District, yo.
Organizers of "Hopscotch CD" painted a giant hopscotch game from one end of the Central District to another. It wound through many streets and attracted a large chunk of the community to its ridiculousness. There were attractions along the way such as lemonade stands and massage chairs and goofy stuff like buckets overturned into "drum sets" you had to play before crossing the street.
It's almost impossible to walk down a sidewalk with a hopscotch game imprinted upon it and not jump. Young and old alike succumbed to the magic of those squares. Teens walking with their friends jumped. Big burly men walking their dogs jumped. Old ladies carrying grocery bags jumped, which they probably should not have done.
Our neighborhood was hopping.
In the most exciting part, a large group of us congregated in a parking lot for the official world record attempt. The air was abuzz with excitement -- we were about to try a completely random and insignificant thing! When the whistle blew, we hopped at our designated court while a man with a bullhorn urged us to KEEP HOPPING. Hop hop hop hippity hop hop hop.
When it wasn't my turn to hop, I looked around and soaked in the absurdity. What was it about the event that attracted so many people (over 400!)? Are we, as grown adults, that starved for whimsy? Are we desperate to be part of a world record, make our mark upon the world, no matter how dumb? Are we just all incredibly bored and looking for something to do on a Saturday afternoon? If so, we should consider cycling.
And why were the vast majority of hopping people caucasian when the Central District is the most racially diverse neighborhood in Seattle? We've got all kinds of colors of people up in here! My working theory is white people are the most ridiculous of the races. I'm not sure.
After all the excitement! jumping! bullhorns! whistles! -- well, we didn't make the world record. We were 50 people short. Oh well. In Lucien's words, "Second place is still pretty good."
Let's hop on home, son
If all that wasn't crazy exciting enough (!!), I recently chaperoned a field trip to the Lincoln Park tidepools. We scoured the beaches and found lots of crabs and starfish plus a bunch of other animals whose names I'm never going to remember. Some looked like gelatinous goo. They were very loose interpretations of the word "animal."
There are about 50 "animals" down there
Maybe you don't think the field trip sounds very exciting so far.
Maybe this will change your mind...
BAM! Butt plug in your face
One little girl leaned in to touch the butt plug sunning itself on the beach -- "What is it?" she asked all childlike. I karate chopped her hands and pushed her forcefully away while yelling, "NOOOOOOOO." Those are the kinds of reflexes that develop only with extensive chaperoning experience.
If that wasn't enough shredded mayhem and bone-crushing carnage in Seattle for you, I also helped at Lucien's school for Field Day. Lucien wasn't present; he was sitting in the principal's office. But that's neither here nor there.
Actually, I was here and he was there
Another similarly masochistically-inclined mom and I worked the Chicken Relay. For over an hour, I demonstrated hopping (or waddling, depending on my mood) with a tennis ball between my knees five yards to a box, where I then "laid" the egg by dropping it in.
I don't know why I bothered. Those kids didn't listen. You would not believe how many Kindergarteners USED THEIR GODDAMN HANDS when I specifically told them not to.
It was a long hour of chasing errant tennis balls and picking children up off the ground. It's mind-boggling how many feelings were hurt and how many tears were shed. I mean come on kids, it's not like this is an event to be taken seriously. It's not like this is a Guinness World Record attempt for hopscotching.
By the end of my shift, I was hoarse, exhausted, and dammit, I missed my son. I waved in the general direction of the Principal's office, blew my boy a kiss, and waddled/hopped to my car. Old habits die hard at the Chicken Relay.
We had some friends over for dinner Saturday night. We roasted some motherf*cking marshmallows over a firepit. IN YOUR FACE HELLRAISING that's what that is.
I'll take the Fruit Loops tartare,