Friday, February 10, 2012

Don't stand so close to me, MJ

Lucien is trying to convince me today is a "special" day at Kindergarten so he gets to go to school naked.  He's pretty adamant about it.  I don't want to think too hard about what kind of person wants to show up in a public place naked because I have to raise that kind of person for a long time yet. 

I realized while riding in an elevator yesterday I've forgotten U.S. elevator standing distance protocol.  In Paris, you were lucky to have that tiny elevator at all, so everyone crammed on with joy, brushing up against each other's body parts and breathing coffee/cigarette breath down each other's necks.  It was a packed, sweaty, writhing mess; Parisian elevators were unfun clothed orgies.

Now when I get on an elevator in the U.S, I'm so used to getting uncomfortably close to my fellow riders, I automatically gravitate to the nearest person and start poking them with my elbows.  Yesterday I got on an elevator and, not realizing it, stood right next to a dude.  He was visibly uncomfortable.  I attempted to ease his elevator anxiety (must be claustrophobia, I thought) by looking up at him and saying "howdy!" That did nothing to alleviate his elevator agony, now completely focused on the small smiley woman standing next to him.  He really hustled off the elevator at his floor.

I realized I'd made an elevator gaff so studied the elevator dynamics closely as I rode the rest of the way to the 24th floor.  Here are the rules -- if you're the first one in the elevator, go stand in a corner.  If you're second, go stand in the other corner.  Third person, pick one of the remaining corners but don't block the buttons unless you're willing to be on button-pressing duty; otherwise someone will brush against you uncomfortably on the way to their button.  Fourth person, go to remaining corner.  Fifth person, stand in the middle as awkwardly as possible.  If any more people than that get on the elevator, the tension becomes palpable.

You should only look at the ceiling, the floor, or your smartphone when riding the elevator.  If there's a dog or small child on the elevator, you should look at them with a bemused expression on your face, even if it's forced.  For the love of God, don't look anyone in the eye.  If you don't obey all these elevator rules, you are a pervert.

OK, I think I got it.  Just give me some time to get used to it again.  I swear I'm not a pervert.  I just lived in Paris for a few years and their ways rubbed off on me, literally, in their elevators.

Other than that, let's see what else is going on... I almost got a parking ticket outside FedEx Kinkos, which was pretty exciting.  The guy only let me off because I came flying across the street with arms waving and put some money in the pay thing.   He shook a pointy finger at me and said, "No one parks for free!  No one parks for free!" and I replied, "Some of us try!  Some of us try!"

Lucien has been selected randomly by Seattle Public Schools to be a participant in a physical fitness survey.  He has to wear a pedometer to count his steps for the next week.  So I was wondering, can pedometers explode?  Because this kid moves in ways this pedometer has likely never seen before.  I don't know how, but The Loosh even manages to run while sitting down. 

He's going to skew the data.  SPS is going to be scratching their heads like, "How come kids are still fat when they're taking a gazillion steps before 9:00 a.m.?"

Good luck out there today everybody,
MJ

22 comments:

  1. Ha! You are so French Madame MJ. I have a friend who is French and when he first got here, years ago, made the mistake of getting into an elevator and rode up the whole way facing someone, nose to nose. He did this in NY. The woman he was practically rubbing noses with, did not appreciate it and told him so. When he get off the elevator he asked me: Qu'est-ce que je fais? Dude, you fais-ed all wrong. He learned a valuable lesson that day. Naked Looshes with Pedometers. Well, Ok then. And everyone tries to park for free. That's what life is all about. Free parking.

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    1. Hi April! Nice point -- it's another rule. You must face the elevator doors. If you don't face the elevator doors, you are a pervert. Love the story of the French friend, love, love, love... thanks for the laugh.

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  2. free parking!!!

    ah. elevators....the main thing is if you get on with someone you know..even if you've been talking while you were waiting for the subway do not continue talking in the elevator...no one wants to listen to what you thought about the Voice...

    and if you are getting off soon do not be standing waaay at the back and have to say excuse me, excuse me...

    have a good weekend MJ.....

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    1. Oooh.... The Voice. Adam is dreamy.

      Look at all these elevator rules! Who knew we were so particular about what's to happen when we're all together in a small space.

      Hugs, Debbie, have a good one.

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  3. MJ! I am so happy you are writing more! I should print these elevator rules out and carry them around, I am notoriously lacking in elevator etiquette. I think this is mostly due to my inability to read social cues in small, shiny places (what stands true for elevators also is true for walk-in freezers, garden sheds, etc).

    I need help (for an altogether different reason). I am planning a Frenchy Valentines Day Dinner and can't find good Parisian-style bread anywhere in Seattle, I mean this. You having just come from France, and also having a French (Canadian) husband, you must know where to find the good breads in Seattle, right? RIGHT? I just need one edible Parisian-style baguette- I fear my hope of finding one may be in vain. Any suggestions?

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    1. Kiki! It is crucial to read social cues in an elevator. Otherwise, you are a pervert. Best of luck to you, especially in those walk-in freezers.

      Regarding the bread, honestly, I've got nothing for you. I have yet to find a "baguette" that truly tastes like a baguette. Anyone else out there have any ideas? It's a bummer... the bread....so sad....

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  4. Great post MJ. Here's a suggestion that'll help fight the weight issue and all that unpleasant business of having to stand so close to total strangers in public places: First, everyone should get equipped with a pedometer (like the Loosh); Second, elevators should be banned; and third, everyone should be urged to move their derriere, go up the stairs, and, you know, "walk" all day long. There, you have it: the secret to being super healthy and super thin, like that legendary Parisian woman so many French and American writers love to write about! Brilliant, non? And you thought of that with that post! Send a memo to the S.P.S. - and the Governor, quick!! ;-) Veronique (French Girl in Seattle)

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    1. Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on a second there, Veronique. "Moving your butt" and "walking up stairs" are pretty revolutionary ideas to be casually tossing around. You're going to start a brawl.

      (I like moving my butt, but I still wouldn't have walked up 24 flights of stairs, which is good because I was able to observe complex human interaction and get some blog material.)

      BTW, finally made it over to your blog and am an official follower. Love it. Your sidebar Coco Chanel quotes are the best -- heck, I've got them in mind now when I get dressed in the A.M. so thanks!

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  5. Phew, thanks so much for explaining about elevator etiquette (or elevetiquette as the pilgrims called it). I was wondering why I was getting those strange looks... I always thought it was because I like to yell WEEEEEEEE when the lift goes up, now I know it's because I'm standing in the wrong place. Thanks MJ, you're a life saver.

    And don't tell me you haven't heard of Pants Off Fridays? Also invented by the pilgrims, I think. To celebrate wading ashore at Plymouth Rock.

    'Tis possible I have enjoyed one too many mojitos. Dang says hi.

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    1. I hope there's a Pants Off Monday, too, because guess who's celebrating it right now? This girl! WHEEEEEEEEE!

      Mmmmmmm..... mojito.....so minty.....

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  6. I have struggled with the loss of "personal space" since we moved to London. I think it is truly an American concept. It is weird being the only one in an entire locker room, having an unfamiliar random guy come in and plop down right next to you and strip... while trying to carry on a polite conversation with you at the same time. The first time it happened I thought it was a bit disturbing. Then after it happened almost every time I have been in that situation, it has become a source of curious amusement. I'm actually getting used to it now as part of the routine, though I myself never have the urge to buddy-up next to a stranger and have a naked conversation on the way to the shower. The four-corners, furthest urinal, no eye-contact rules have been ingrained. I don't know if they can ever be totally undone...

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    1. Kane! Well hello there, super old friend. My Al knows what you're talking about with the gym dynamics. When he came home from the gym the first time in Paris, he told me there was a guy who was "definitely checking him out" because he used the shower right next to him when there were a bunch of free ones elsewhere.

      He was pretty proud a FRENCH GUY thought he was hot -- until the shower thing happened every single time and none of the shower neighbors even glanced at Al. I broke the news it was probably a "they're not concerned with personal space the way we are" issue, and assured him he was still super hot to me.

      Enjoy London!

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  7. Pretty pictures, elevator music...I mean rules...

    Just kidding MJ. You make me smile and brighten my day...Janey

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    1. Oh man, is the blog starting to sound like elevator music already? What would help, Janey -- more swearing? My mom would like that, I think.

      Bye, Janey, thanks for stopping by!

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  8. i always like to quote the british sitcom ARE YOU BEING SERVED (before my time-but i watch on pbs) " 4TH FLOOR STATIONARY, LEATHER GOOD, WIGS AND HABADASHARY...GOING UP" people just look at me but i am actually amusing the hell out of myself-i don't even know what some of those things are but i laugh every time and then i send them off with HAVE A NICE DAY...one time some guy answered my quote relating to a gratedful dead song....if the thunder don't get you the lightening will-he replied with the wheel keeps turning you can't get off but you can't get on-I LOVE ELEVATOR ENCOUNTERS -except scarey person kind-mj i love your humor and your bubbly personality paris behaviors or not-you are so funny and very observant regarding people's behavior-

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    1. Hi G! "Elevator encounters" sounds like a very dirty little blog for someone else to write. Anyone? Anyone? I'd read it.

      Keep quoting that show I've never seen before in elevators. I think elevators need a little shaking up from time to time, keeps everyone alert.

      Bye, G!

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  9. This reminds me of being at the mall in the US with my French husband. A gaggle of teenage boys was cooly spread over ten feet of the escalator and instead of standing the mandatory two or three steps below, my husband stood directly behind the last teenager and all his friends started asking him who his new boyfriend was. I read somewhere that Americans need at least two feet of personal space to feel comfortable and in europe people only need one.

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    1. Awesome. Yes. Seen it happen, too. Your husband was probably like, "Baah! Wut is zee prob-lem?"

      Have a lovely day, eMerly.

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  10. You don't know about National Nekkie Day?

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    1. Damn, so it's a real thing and the Kindergartener was correct? I'm never going to live this down.

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  11. You are too funny and extremely accurate. I work on the 10th floor of a 24 floor building and that is exactly how it's done. I hate being the 5th person on as I frequently am. There are 14 floors before me going down. That center spot is a very lonely place to be and God forbid a 6th person gets on and you have to decide which of the corner pervs you want to get close to. Thanks for brightening my Monday!

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    1. Hi Tara! Thanks for your compliments, very kind. Good luck on that daily elevator ride. It's complicated and awkward in there, especially for "the fifth." Ouch.

      Thanks for saying HI!

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