Thursday, January 19, 2012

Snow purgatory

It's Seattle Snowmaggedon 2012, or as I like to call it, "two inches of snow get a grip, city."  Seattle is a city incapable of dealing with snow.  If we get a couple inches of accumulation (what we would have called "a light dusting" back in Ohio) all the schools are closed and cars are sliding all over the place.  It's mind-boggling stuff.

Growing up in Ohio, school closure days were pretty rare.  We'd be hopeful and stay up to watch the late news only to hear, "Only fifteen feet of accumulation expected by morning so give up and go to bed, kids.  You're going to school even if you have to dig your way there yourselves using your tiny mittened hands and kitchen utensils."

But in Seattle, it's a couple inches and the schools close and everyone runs around all Chicken Little "STAY INSIDE WE GONNA DIE."

To be fair, of course, Ohio is flat.  Seattle is all big hills.  Ice on big hills is scary.  It doesn't help that Seattle has never heard of salt, not to mention salt trucks.  And I think the city must only have one snowplow and it must be somewhere else because so far I haven't seen it.  Keep all that in mind as you watch this video of my poor fellow Seattle citizens trying to drive in two inches of snow --




 Hang in there, guys
P.S. I think the person zooming past at 1:48 grew up in Ohio 

Even though I drive a badass four-wheel-drive Coloradomobile, I'm still not brave enough to face the menaces on the road.  Instead, I did something equally as stupid yesterday.  With both kids in tow, one in a stroller, I walked twenty blocks through the snowstorm to register our Coloradomobile at the King County administration building.

It was our last day to register the car without incurring a late fee.  It had been my plan for awhile to go Wednesday and dammit, a little snow and two kids home from school were not going to cost me $25.00.  Plus, I reasoned, there wouldn't be a line.  I'm a very good thinker.

It was one of the most miserable walks of our lives. Pushing a stroller through snow drifts and slush for twenty blocks with snow blowing in my face and Lucien asking, "Is this almost over, Mommy?" every ten seconds did not make for a leisurely downtown stroll.  My snow boots haven't arrived from France yet so my feet were soaked by block five.  The only gloves I have are the stylish fingerless beauties I bought in Paris.  Don't get me started on my houndstooth coat.


Crossing streets was exciting.  We stood far back from every intersection to make sure all cars that wanted to stop but couldn't stop slid down the hill past us before we started across.  For the most part, the drivers of those cars looked calm and resigned as they passed, kind of like, "ho-hum, snow day in Seattle here I go a-slidin' down to the waterfront I love coffee." 

We walked past quite a few employees of the downtown buildings who, after miraculously making it to work, decided to stand around outside watching snow mayhem instead of actually doing their work.  Several of them made comments like "Heh heh, you got four-wheel drive on that thing?" as I slipped and slid past with the stroller.  I resisted the urge to punch them in the face with a soaked-through fingerless-mittened fist.


 Downtown Seattle is lonely in a snowstorm

You should have seen the faces of the people at the vehicle registration office when I came through the door with hair plastered to my face, mascara running down to my chin and melted stroller snow trailing behind me like a river.  I immediately said, "I KNEW IT! NO LINE!" but no one congratulated me; they just stared at me like they couldn't believe a human being was stupid enough to come through a snowstorm to register her car.  Lucien told the lady behind the desk he couldn't feel his fingers anymore but I said "hush, child, mama just saved herself $25."  

I felt a real sense of accomplishment on the walk home as I tried to keep Coco's stroller on the sidewalk and screamed at Lucien "STAY NEXT TO ME OR YOU'LL GET HIT BY A CAR."  Most people just sit around, or worse, go out and have fun on a snow day.  But not us -- we get sh*t done. 

I do wish we were in a house instead of a downtown apartment during all this snow.  A yard would really come in handy right now, a fact that became obvious when Lucien flopped down in the middle of the sidewalk and tried to make a snow angel. 

City kid snow angel

I've just been notified schools are closed for a third day tomorrow.  Oh God.  A few days ago everyone was excited about snow days.  My friends' tweets and e-mails were, "Yeah!  Snow day!  Sledding!"  Then halfway through that first day they turned into, "Someone please take these kids" and now at the end of the second day they've turned into "Another snow day tomorrow?  Sweet merciful angel take me now, I'm ready." 

To end on a positive note, Whole Foods jalapeno hummus makes me proud to be an American.


Seattle, baby, your quirks are what make you you, but please consider a salt truck,
MJ

39 comments:

  1. As a girl that learned to drive in Indiana, I always thought it was ridiculous to stay in. *I* can drive in the snow. That was until someone in a little sporty-ish car spun out in front of me on 520 and hit me. Thankfully I was in the tank and driving a reasonable speed. Neither of us was hurt.

    Yeah, I don't want to drive in this crap anymore.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Amen, sister. I'm with you. You guys have more snow over there in K-land?

    ReplyDelete
  3. Yep, we got hit pretty hard. I think we've gotten something like 9 inches total from last Saturday through today. With that layer of ice in there, it is really "interesting."

    Kids are loving it though.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Where's a corner REI full of North Face when you need it? Bet they have cross-country skis. You know, so you can attach them to the stroller and just slide Coco gracefully down the hills. Like tobogganing, for toddlers.

    ReplyDelete
  5. ADoC, there's an REI but I think it's more than twenty blocks. Maybe tomorrow? Like the idea of putting Coco on skis. A lot.

    ReplyDelete
  6. That video cracked me up! We recently moved to Denver from Sacramento, and we've adjusted to driving in the snow pretty quickly. Now, when we see people driving like that my husband always yells, "SERIOUSLY?! IT'S JUST POWDER!"

    Oh weather... What a conversation starter...

    ReplyDelete
  7. Sarah! The video cracked me up, too. Maybe it was the chipper Herb Alpert soundtrack. And Sacramento to Denver? That's snow driving trial by fire.

    Weather's all we're talking about these days. Hope it ends soon.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Where I live, it snows never. If cold stuff falls from the sky it's hail and we all start running for cover because the sky literally is falling in... I can't imagine what we'd do in a snow storm.

    But that video, and this "ho-hum, snow day in Seattle here I go a-slidin' down to the waterfront I love coffee." have got me laughing until my mascara's dripping off my chin MJ style. Love it.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Okay people...that's not a real snow storm...just saying

    But sounds like mama needs a parka

    Hang in there MJ

    ReplyDelete
  10. Whoa. I hate to think what I would do for some jalapeno hummus about now. Or jalapeno anything.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Oh good God! Three snow days!? I'm sure you can't take much more. Tell me this, though, do you get the urge to eat everything in sight? Last February when we had our huge blizzard here in Chicago, I was stuffing food in my mouth at an alarming rate. It was like some primal need to fatten up.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Jenn, your fellow wherever-you-livers couldn't do much worse than Seattle. These people are menaces on the road. Which is why I'm staying off them.

    Debbie. HA. It's not a real snowstorm. It's a Seattle snowstorm. And I do need a parka.

    Maisouiparis. It's good. Oh it's so good.

    Joni, I love my kids and all, but three days of snow and ice and cabin fever makes for a long week. I've been eating like mad, too (thanks again, Whole Foods jalapeno hummus) but I think it's more out of mind numbing boredom.

    Bye!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Um. I was a city kid who made snow angels on the side walk. Up until right this second, I didn't know that was wrong. I think I need to reevaluate my childhood. Your video literally made my afternoon. I especially appreciate the couple having a serious pow wow about the chains on the tires. This either brought them closer or broke them apart. Entertaining as usual MJ.

      Delete
    2. Oh April... there's nothing wrong with sidewalk snow angels; they're just a little more pathetic than their fluffy backyard counterparts. I love that couple on the video, too. She's wearing cropped pants and what appear to be flip-flops. That's not good planning.

      Bye!

      Delete
  13. Quebec City and Montreal could kick Seattle's wimpy ass any time!;) Two inches of snow... come on people!:)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Seriously. I've seen the snow in Quebec City and it's ridiculous. Those Canadian cities are much better prepared for it than my fair icy-hilled city here.

      Bye, Duchesse! You getting excited yet about moving back, or sad? Are you gonna go batshit crazy and go out every night by yourself? Highly recommend it.

      Delete
    2. I think I'm more excited than sad at this stage... after all, I live in The Hague, not in Paris!;) And I'm working full-time and doing grad school part-time, so there isn't too much time to go batshit crazy (mind you, the grad work is slowly making me berserk and I've only just started!;) Plus I have to prepare for a Spanish exam in May and a UN competition in June, so I have my work cut out for me;) I'm looking forward to having more time (which I do back home... my work schedule is a lot more flexible) and to seeing the sun more than once a year!;)

      We spent a long weekend in Venice last week, we're spending Easter in Paris, I'm flying solo to Spain for two weeks of language training in April and we're gonna try to fit in a weekend in Brussels and another in Amsterdam in May. I'll be barely breathing when I finally get to Ottawa;) Yihhhhhaaaaaaaaaaa! I'll sleep when I'm dead!:)

      Delete
  14. I hope you have lots of adult beverages on hand, it truly is the only way to survive being stuck inside during a snow storm.
    Just for the record I asked if it was ok for me to build an igloo and stick my toddlers out there for the day, people lived in igloos, how bad could it be??? Apparently it is NOT ok to put your kids out there, at least not on the east coast, maybe you can get by with it on the west coast.
    Best wishes for your survival!
    ~Melanie

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Igloo. It's a thought. Now we have the weekend coming up which means even more together time. Yippee. Thanks for the permission on the adult beverages, headed that way right now.

      Delete
  15. Thanks for a funny funny post MJ!

    Check out this sportscaster's rebuttal to an LA Times blog calling us "Snow Wimps." The problem isn't just the lack of salt (which is bad for the salmon) but all of the hills and refreeze issues that other snowy cities don't have. Just saying...
    http://sportspressnw.com/2012/01/critics-of-seattle-in-snow-shut-the-hell-up/

    I recently bought these Bogs rain shoes at REI - on sale. They may not be as fashionable as most of the shoes in my closet but they work great for walking around downtown in the snow and ice.
    http://www.rei.com/product/820814/bogs-rue-insulated-rain-shoes-womens

    Stay warm,
    Jeanne

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi there, Jeanne. I saw that article circulating Facebook amongst my outraged friends. They apparently don't like being made fun of. The author made some really good points but I still think there's an "inexperience" aspect to the mayhem out there, too. We just don't have snow often enough to be any good in it.

      Will look up the shoes. What I was wearing was just pathetic. And wet. And cold.

      Now that it's warming up, stay dry out there, Jeanne!

      Delete
  16. I didn't start reading until you were just about to leave Paris but you are F.U.N.N.Y. Thanks for the laugh ... Seatttle in snow is like Los Angeles in rain and it's gonna rain horribly (Up to 1/4 inch) this weekend... MAN The life boats!
    Ruth

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. This is so cool I can reply to everyone individually now. Look at Blogger, catching up with the times! Thanks, HOA Manager Lady. Quite a name you got there. It's nice to have you around -- hey... are you saying you're one of those L.A. people making fun of us? Darn you!

      Have a good day, great to have you around.

      Delete
  17. I too come from a land that has never seen snow, so for me this stuff is like looking at boobies in the National Geographic.

    I also come from a magical land where you can register your car online. They have the internet in Seattle, right?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Bec of the magical lands! Hello! Enjoy the boobies.

      We can't register newly purchased cars online. They need to see our original documents in person. We can mail them, but that thought scared me. What would I do if the title or bill of sale was lost in the mail? Then I'd have to fret, and I don't like fretting. Best to walk in a snowstorm and make my whole family miserable.

      Bye, Bec! As always, a pleasure to have you around.

      Delete
  18. Attn posse...MJ I hope you don't mind but for anyone missing some Paris stuff here a link to a cute blogger who needs some followers...check it out

    http://www.expatpostcardsfromparis.blogspot.com/

    This doesn't mean we don't love you MJ....:)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You go right ahead, Debbie. I know most of you still have Paris in your hearts and are indulging me with all this Seattle nonsense.

      I haven't checked her out yet, but GO, everybody, GO, support the Paris blogger! If Debbie likes her, she's good people.

      Delete
    2. mj- i strongly disagree-we gots you and your insane sense of humor in our hearts...selfishly i wish you would forget about that dang family of yours and devote ALL YOUR TIME to blogging-

      Delete
  19. You guys have no idea how happy I am you all keep coming to see me even though I don't talk about Paris anymore. It sure is great to have you around. You're the wind beneath my wings. Don't make me sing.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hold up, what? Seattle isn't in Paris? Man I need to get me an atlas.

      Delete
    2. Dammit. You're going to leave now, aren't you. Me and my big mouth.

      Delete
  20. Look at it this way: 1 plow and no salt trucks is just another way Seattle is a lot like Paris. Don't you remember all the snow we had here last winter? I live on the top of Montmartre (see this great video of a guy snowboarding all over the hill http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QDyfZEMDvFg) and believe me, that is NOT the place you want to live when your husband has to slide downhill to take the kid to school and to take himself to work. I had to bribe a taxi driver, offering to pay double whatever was on the meter, to drive me and my step-son most of the way up the hill to our apartment after school (which for some reason had NOT closed); the driver said he couldn't get all the way up as the cops had blocked the street (he was right about that). But we had no choice because none of the buses were running by that point. Wimps. I'm from New Jersey and like in Ohio, WE know how to handle ourselves in the snow.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That video was awesome! I love Montmartre, he slid right past the apartment we spent a few weeks in on our last visit in October. Plus it has one of my favourite songs :) Thanks!

      Delete
  21. Ha, I was going to comment with that Art Thiel column about the snow in Seattle, too. Someone should import a bunch of snow-driving-expert Ohioans and make 'em drive up Boren. Or down it. I'd pay to watch that video!

    You got your car registered in ONE visit. Holy cow, you're not in France anymore, Dorothy.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Maarten, you got your wish! I am a snow-driving expert Ohioan and I drove up Boren in the snow. No video, though. And it's been a handful of years since I've done it because I'm afraid of getting stuck behind some yahoo who thinks the best way to climb a snowy hill is at a crawl. It's not. You gotta put just a little muscle behind it.

      HA about the car registration. You guys have a car there? Don't remember. And are you still biking around with Virginia Dad? Hope so. You guys coming back to visit anytime soon? Looking forward to drinks together back in Seattle someday.

      Delete
  22. I also grew up in Ohio, and I'll always remember listening to the radio as they listed EVERY. SCHOOL. BUT. MINE. for snow closures. Cincinnati Public always had school!! Always! That explains why I was absolutely giddy with joy when my son's school was closed for two whole days last year due to snow and extreme cold, here in Minnesota. He must have wondered why I was so over the top happy. Making up for what I missed in my own childhood, of course.

    ReplyDelete
  23. Hi Jenni. You know my pain. They didn't cut us many breaks, but when they happened they were GLORIOUS. I still remember having two snow days in a row senior year. It was an unprecedented event.

    Bye, all. I'm so excited about this "reply individually" feature I may just sit around and reply individually all night.

    ReplyDelete