Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Basmati phone and the ultimate playlist

Well hello there.

I've missed you, blog, but I've been distracted lately.  It all began a few weeks ago when I dropped my iPhone in the toilet.  I was in a bad mood already because we woke up late and Lucien was about to miss his school bus.  Seeing my beloved iPhone in the toilet did not improve the mood situation.

I ran into the kitchen cradling my wet and hygienically compromised phone.  Remembering a bit of folkloric wisdom, I ripped open a bag of rice. Rice flew all over the kitchen, decorating even its most remote corners.  It was kind of festive, like a frantic kitchen wedding with one particularly out of control guest spewing f-bombs while her kid makes armpit farts and wears his shoes on the wrong feet.

(That's actually a wedding I would like to attend.)

I buried my toilet phone in a bowl of delicious basmati rice for two days and it magically came back to life.  I couldn't believe it worked.  Contractor God was with me when I thought I heard my phone ring for the first time post-toilet.  I frantically ran to my Le Creuset, dug my phone out of a large pile of rice and began hopping around the kitchen weeping with joy. Contractor God's eyebrows raised, then knitted, but no questions were asked.  He's used to my crap by now.

Then Ohio Mom came to visit me.  Ohio Mom and I were the best of friends in high school.   All our high school memories are the same because it was a rare moment we weren't together.   I hadn't seen her since Al and I got married eleven years ago.  A reunion was long overdue.

She's exactly the same.  Maybe not exactly -- as happens to all of us as we get older, she's become more intensely what she always was.  She was always super organized, super precise, super in control of her body.  She's become more so.

Ohio Mom makes me feel like a flailing tornado with attention problems because I am none of the things she is.  I control very little about myself, much as I'd like to.  I wonder if she thinks I've become more like me as I've gotten older?  I forgot to ask her because I still distract easily.

Ohio Mom and I have always gotten along so well because we're yin and yang.  A well-balanced pair.  I like to laugh really hard while she tells angry stories about people who frustrate her and waves her arms all over the place.  Sometimes I fall over I'm laughing so hard but she doesn't care, just keeps going because those people really ticked her off.  Ours is just a relationship that works.

We're still so on the same wavelength, we wore similar outfits to go see Wicked --

Wicked is a good show but I identified numerous inconsistencies and plot holes.  It is therefore my opinion that when you see a show involving the Wizard of Oz, it is best to suspend your disbelief.

Also, the Paramount Theater sign looks like a penis --

The first night Ohio Mom was here we went out to dinner and then out with a few of my ladies.  It became a very late night for Ohio Mom, whose body was still in Ohio's time zone, when we decided to go to Photographer Mom's studio, drink champagne and take strange pictures of each other.

freight elevator to heaven

Photographer Mom is a popular boudoir photographer and has an awesome studio in the historical Pioneer Square district of Seattle.  Luckily she has helpful things in her studio such as a sexy bed, upon which jetlagged Ohio Mom promptly laid down and fell asleep.  Ohio Mom is a very, very good sport.  We covered her with a blanket, smoothed her hair, and then the rest of the ladies dressed me as a mummy bride and themselves as bridesmaids with baskets on their heads.

picture of a picture on a computer, both taken by the talented and friendly Christina Mallet

It 's very high concept so don't feel bad if you don't "get" it.  I don't get it and I was there.

If I get more photos from Photographer Mom of that night, I'll post them randomly forevermore. They are likely blogworthy and best without context.

I spent the next large chunk of my life planning a Halloween party.  We threw a Halloween fete at Banister Abbey for adults only.  No kids, dammit.  It quickly became apparent from the ecstatically enthusiastic responses that the event was about to become an episode of Parents With Babysitters Gone Wild.  That really should be a show because no one gets more out of control more quickly than parents with small children left at home.

Costumes were required.  There was a hanging cocoon man as part of the decoration.  There was also an orange-colored champagne punch created by my butler friend, Cavanaugh.  We hired a creative caterer who made things like wontons shaped like pumpkins and pastry-wrapped sausages shaped like mummies.  And most importantly, there was a five-hour playlist crafted by myself to include only songs related to Halloween and scariness.

It took me weeks to create that playlist.  Do you know how hard it is to find five hours of Halloween-related music?  I got so desperate I used M.C. Hammer's "Addams Family" for the love of God!  I agonized over that playlist, worked hard to get the flow just right.  It had to start spooky, turn kitschy, go into dancey and finally get-out-of-my-house-I'm-tired-y.

Contractor God would walk into the house and roll his eyes for weeks as I sat at my desk listening to Marilyn Manson and gazing thoughtfully into the middle distance.  "The playlist??  Still?  You're pathetic!  Get a life, woman!"  (He actually said all those things.  Very, very hurtful.)

But it worked.  My friends danced.  I've never seen some of them dance so it's obvious all those hours spent with my headphones on, neglecting my children who were feeding themselves moldy leftovers out of the fridge and crying, "Mommy! I'm hungry and this tastes like feet," were well worth it.

Photographer Mom did a photo booth at the party.  There were many props used and many indecent poses struck.  I haven't seen the photos yet.  I should really track Photographer Mom down and give her some money.  

Our friends came up with some great costumes.  Among my favorites were the friend who came as Romney's "Binder of Women" and her husband who came as Seattle hip hop artist, Macklemore, complete with thrift shop leopard print faux fur coat (explanation embedded below, best video ever).

I also liked the friends who came as Prince Harry and Kate Middleton.  They were both pretty much naked, save for their skin tight flesh-colored suits.  Harry carried a pool cue and Kate wore a tiara; that's how we knew they were something other than nudists.

Perhaps favorite of mine was the friend who came as a Mormon, complete with backpack and bike helmet hanging off it, nicely combed hair and authentic name tag, who followed other guests around and tried to talk to them about their relationship with Jesus Christ.  He wasn't the most popular guest but he showed real commitment.

I was Lucille Ball.  I became accustomed to people yelling, "LUCY, YOU GOT SOME SPLAININ' TO DO" in my face, occasionally spilling their drinks on me in the process.

This is me as Lucille Ball but with Macklemore's face --

I'm with Seattle Mom who dressed as a Catholic school girl.  When Seattle Mom stood next to my friend dressed as a nurse, all the men in the room got sexy looks on their faces.  What is it about that, sickos?

Thankfully, no one's ever had a sex fantasy involving Lucille Ball so I was free to dance like a moron without ruining anyone's sexy dream.

Al and I did not costume ourselves as a couple.  Alex did not dress as Desi.  Better, he dressed as the Will Farrell character, Gene, in the Saturday Night Live "More Cowbell" skit. He carried a cowbell and banged it loudly and repeatedly.  This caused Contractor God to pull me aside and ask if it was wise to give my husband, the loudest man at the party, the loudest prop at the party?  At one point in the evening Alex's cowbell was flung by an unidentified guest into the middle of our yard.

Some people got a little too drunk on the champagne punch and threw up in our bathroom.  Others passed out in our guest room.  One woman staggered and slurred her way to my side, threw her arms around me and told me how long it had been since she had sex (eight years, tragic...)  Damn it was fun.  Suffice it to say, the Banister Abbey Halloween Party is going to be an annual event.  If you live in Seattle, send me your email and we'll see you next year.

I forgot to take pictures until late into the night.  Here are some of our hardier guests, the ones who didn't get too carried away with the champagne punch so were still upright when the playlist was nearing its end.

One more thing before I go.  No, two more things.  First, I am renewing my vow to the blog and swear I'll again write at least once a week.  Until I don't.

Second, I saw a sign hanging at Seattle University recently asking people to donate blood. Instead of stressing the fact they could save a life, the sign said in large bold print, "Giving blood burns up to 650 calories!!!"  It made me realize that we, as a culture, have taken a wrong turn somewhere.

I got Obama, married gays, and weed all in one night.  It's a liberal's jackpot in Seattle.

(Lucien's school held a mock election and while 95% of his school voted for Obama, he voted for Romney because, in his words, "he's more handsome, combs his hair better, and wants everyone to have guns.")

(Lucien also asked why I was crying when gay marriage was passed in Washington State.  I said, "Because I believe it's OK for a boy to love a boy or a girl to love a girl."  Lucien then shrugged and said, "Well, I bet Mitt Romney thinks it's most important to love your mommy and no one can argue with that.")

(Perhaps that should have been Mitt's platform.)

Macklemore!  Go home, you're drunk!


This one's for you, Washington State.

This post just keeps going forever and ever.


  1. Wow! She doesn't write for a month, but then she comes back with a vengeance!:)))

    I was thinking of you last night: your state did us very proud! It really is "the Netherlands" of the United States, complete with rain!:)

    Someone will have to do something about Lucien's priorities, though... Spooky!

    I watched your Christmas light tour video again last week (I'm starting to prepare for my trip to Paris in late December and wanted to put a bit of Christmas light spirit into my life... Poor Loosh;) His hell was my husband's last year...;)) Totally cracked me up:)

    Can't believe you guys have been back almost a year!

    1. so jealous of your upcoming trip..can't you stow me in the suitcase...?

    2. Sure! We can go eat fondue and drink wine from baby bottles at that tacky place in Montmartre with Ella Coquine!;)

    3. Hello, my people! I hug you! Sorry I went AWOL. Life isn't always friendly to my blogging habit but I'll never give up.

      I am so proud of my state. So, so proud. Yes.

      Ah, the Christmas Lights tour. I've got to go watch that again. I can't believe we've been back almost a year, either.

      High five Paris for me, Duchesse. I've got to get back there for a visit, too.

  2. This is the most hilarious blog post of yours that I've read ever. I'm a pretty new reader, but still.

    1. I'll take it even if it's the only post you've read. Thanks, A.K.!

  3. Oh, and Todd "legitimate rape" Akin and that Mourdoch character both lost their seats... That should give them plenty of time to review their Biology 101 notes.

    1. Bye bye boys...women vote too, assholes....

  4. This post was hilarious! But, what is that person kissing at your Halloween party? Is that a cocooned person hanging from your stairs?! Also, you look fabulous in the photo shoot. I'm pretty sure those prints would be pricey at an avant-garde gallery somewhere in Berlin. Finally, thank you for introducing me to Macklemore! I nearly spit coffee on my computer from all the laughter! Glad you're back!

    1. Hi Rosy. Ah, so you noticed my cocoon man decoration. He was my favorite. It's a fake man, by the way, and not, as some guests suspected, my son wrapped up in fake spider silk.

      It was hard to resist making out with him Spiderman-style. I did it for like an hour one day.

      Macklemore! You're welcome!

  5. Lord girl....way too funny....and I LOVE that you dressed up as Lucy....we are sisters from another mother....

    you must be worn out...lie down on the floor right now...contractor guy can step around you.

    and once again the Loosh has the best quotes..."he's more handsome etc"....

    go Broncobama!!!

    1. I always suspected we were related, Debbie. If you were feeling my Lucy vibe, it does add further evidence...

      I will go lay down on the floor right now. Believe me, Contractor God wouldn't even bat an eye. We know each other pretty well by now.

      I love my Loosh. Even if he's a conservative someday, he'll be a fantastically funny one and I'll love him completely.

  6. Love it--thanks for the Macklemore videos!

    1. You are welcome. So happy to share my raging crush on Macklemore. Finally, a hip-hop artist rapping about stuff I can get behind.

  7. fabulous post!!!! I am sooo coming to your party next year!

    1. You got it, Lou. Send your email and prepare for the evite. And think of a killer costume, very important.

  8. Great to see the music videos, thanks for adding them.

    1. You're welcome, Sue. Glad you liked them.

  9. Ahhh, MJ is back in town and we're all the better for it!!!

    So what if you got a pissy Iphone. Worse things have happened.
    I really like it when you show dirty pictures like the one of the Paramount sign

    Wow!!!! You're halloween party is going to make it to the Seattle social circle 'event of the year' list. I assume the classic "Monster Mash" was on your halloween playlist.

    'What is that all about', you ask, of a Catholic school girl standing next to a nurse. It's about every man's 'it doesn't get better than this' dream come true. That's some damn exciting stuff there. And yes we are sick and proud of it.
    And I hope everybody chipped in for an electircal device for the woman going without for eight years. She definitely won't ever be accused of nymphomania.

    1. Bill, something tells me you are one dirty dude. Just a hunch.

      Monster Mash was in the "kitschy" portion of the evening, but of course it was. The song that got the most eyerolls was "Ghostbusters." The song that got the most love was, of course, "Thriller." Michael Jackson can really jumpstart a Halloween party, FYI.

      I bet that particular friend of mine owns an arsenal of vibrators. Just another hunch.

  10. I'm such an idiot for missing your Halloween party AND the Morning After party. Well, hopefully the miserable baby will be sleeping longer than one-hour increments by next year, and Johnny and I can leave the kids with a sitter without killing the poor lass.

    Thank you for making my day, yet again, with your hilarious blog post. And the videos were icing on the cake! You are so talented and a true gem!


    1. Shannon! You are no idiot, my friend, just a woman with a baby who's trying to kill you. Next year, however, he will be a toddler trying to kill you. Still not easy, but easier to leave with a babysitter.


      When do we get together, woman? Would love to see you and aforementioned unhappy baby....

  11. YES YES YES! I've been waiting for your take on all these things - Halloween! Election and WA results! Dreamy Macklemore! Your playlist (a work of Halloween DJing art, if you ask me)! I loved your party and was so happy to help you get rid of all that extra cheese, champagne and beer you had lying around.
    - kt
    ps - cocoon man is a good kisser.
    pps - thanks for letting me wear that rug.
    ppps - mitt romney does not have better hair than obama, even if he does love his mom.
    pppps - let me know when we can see those photos that your friend took!