Friday, December 16, 2011

Colorado wiener bean

One great thing about living in temporary executive housing is you have housecleaning service.  The less-great part is you never know when the housecleaner is going to show up at your apartment and let herself in with her own key.  See where this is going?   

Our housecleaner showed up while I was in the shower, Lucien was watching TV completely naked, and Coco was walking around in the nastiest diaper that's ever existed in the history of sh*tting.

I was peacefully shampooing when Lucien ran into the bathroom and announced, "Somebody's here, mommy!  Somebody came in the apartment!"  After a few hysterical "Somebody's here?  Somebody's HERE?" I wrapped myself in a towel, shampoo still on my head, and ran out of the bathroom armed with a toilet brush.  I planned to germ the intruder to death. 

I scared the housecleaner more than she scared me.  After a few aggressive waves of the toilet brush, she got the message and promised to call next time.  Just in case she doesn't, the children will now be dressed in their Sunday best at all times and I will shower in my clothing.

We received our air shipment from France.  It was all clothes and toys.  I could have nixed the toys and packed more clothes because the kids only had eyes for the boxes.

The moving guys left without unpacking anything.  The head mover guy handed me a survey to fill out right in front of him that contained questions like, "Were your items unpacked to your satisfaction?" and "Were all boxes and other debris removed from your residence?"  I looked at the guy and said flatly, "You guys didn't do any of that" and he responded just as flatly, "Yeah, I know."  I circled a bunch of  "no"s and "not satisfied"s in front of his face and we moved on with our lives.

Box village.  These are their "houses."  They also both have "garages" and "offices."  A nice assortment of places to hide if we ever get caught unaware by the housecleaning service again.

Seattle used to feel like a big city.  Seattle no longer feels like a big city.  After living in central Paris, Seattle feels like a quaint village full of friendly little munchkin townfolk.  The drivers are so cute -- when I try to merge into another lane, they don't resist or try to push me off the road.  When I cross the street, nobody tries to run me over -- in fact, sometimes the drivers even stop and wave me across!  At first I gave those people the finger because I assumed it was a trap.

My sense of city has changed.  I bundled the kids up for a "long" walk to Pike Place Market and was perplexed when we arrived there in fifteen minutes.  I took a cab home from a night out with The Seattle Ladies and my jaw dropped when the fare was only seven bucks.  My recent ride to the airport was over before it began; I said to the driver, "We're already here?  My kids haven't even had a chance to get carsick and throw up all over the place yet!"

 Seattle, you're so tiny I just want to dunk you in my coffee

city seems a little sleepy when it takes five police cars to pull over one very drunk (or possibly just very bad at walking) driver.  

We took that (brief) ride to the airport because the kids and I flew to Colorado yesterday.  I thought the solo trip with the kids would be a disaster and I would have material to fill one hundred blog posts.  I was wrong.  The entire thing, from start to finish, was flawless.  Everyone was helpful, kids were perfect.  I'm totally bummed about it, too.

 Thanks for nothing, guys

Now that I'm in Colorado with my family (Alex will be joining us closer to Christmas) all is right with the world.  The only bad thing I can say about Colorado is the air is so dry you get lots of electrical shocks.  It makes for a lonely life when you're always yelling at people to keep their hands to themselves because you're afraid of the pain.

Coco is obsessed with the Christmas tree and has made it her mission to destroy everything on it.  She is particularly aggressive with the Canadian Mountie ornament, which is upsetting since she's half Canadian.

Coco!  Stop that!  Avert your eyes, Al.

Last night my mom made wiener bean casserole.  The following words were actually uttered in this house when the dinner announcement was made -- "Yeah! Wiener bean!"

If you grew up in Ohio, maybe you understand us.  If you didn't grow up in Ohio, maybe you're confused and disgusted by us --

We ain't in France anymore, folks.

the toilet brush ninja


  1. oh girlie, America has not ruined your wit.
    long live weiner bean and whoopie pies and jumbo your mama even remembers city chicken?

  2. Hot damn they grow them some big ass Christmas trees in Colorado!

    Here's hoping all Lucien's presents come in dinosaur-teeth boxes :)

  3. Hi Z. I just asked my mom about city chicken. She said she used to make it for us when we were little and yes, I vaguely remember meat on a stick. It wasn't even chicken, though. WTH, midwest?

    Now I want to eat some bologna. Grocery run!

    Thanks, Miss W. It's a pleasure to have you around.

    Bec, everything's bigger in Colorado. Or is that Texas?

    Good day to you all.

  4. So glad you are continuing blogging. I literally laugh out loud at your shit.

  5. Lucien and Coco look so sweet! I'd put some kind of bolt on that apartment door, next thing you know that housekeeper will be hovering over your bed poking you & Alex awake at 6am so she can change the sheets....!

  6. Discharge your static! Discharge your static!:)

    When I was your kids' age, my dad had a furniture store and he would bring us old fridge boxes to play with! The pics of Coco and the Loosh in their box village brings back a lot of memories!:)

    Coco has grown so much!:)

    I'm glad you had a great flight to Colorado, I know how much you were dreading it:) Your parents must be so happy to see the kids again, especially the granddaughter they'd only seen once!:) Must have been a really joyful reunion:) And when you head back to Seattle after the Holidays, the kids won't be eating baguette on the living room floor at 00:30 for two weeks (so what if Seattle is teeny-tiny! Silver lining!;))

  7. Glad you are with your family.....and that wiener bean casserole looks amazing...would those be Oscar Meyer wieners?

    Your kids are seasoned travellers the picture of them on the floor watching sweet

    Got my tree up yesterday and just sitting watching Anne of green gables...those puffy sleeves get me every time......

    Have a great holiday....

    Ps ...that cleaning lady story freaked me out

  8. Thanks, Susan. Thanks for using the "s" word, too, so I don't feel so alone with my bad language.

    Sulky Kitten, not a bad idea. It's a little creepy she can just come on in whenever she wants. Me no likey.

    Duchesse! Dang, your photographic memory is always impressive. I forgot the "Discharge your static!" Switzerland, right?

    Coco is growing like crazy. You should see the size of her feet. We're thinking basketball player.

    Oh, the family is so happy we're here. Happy, happy grandparents.

    Bye all, thanks for saying hello.

  9. Debbie! Of course they're Oscar Meyer! I'm going to tell my mom you think wiener bean looks amazing. I usually tell her it looks like sh*t.

    I have never seen Anne of Green Gables. Hmmm. In any event, enjoy your tree.


  10. Coco can't be half cdn without's required reading and viewing....just you tube it....

    Watch that static!

  11. It's been a while, eh? Tips on the Seattle Wave: don't forget to wave when drivers stop for you to jaywalk, when they let you merge in front of them, when you drive down a narrow street and their car waits for you to pass, when you go ahead of them in a roundabout... In no time you'll be waving whenever you're a pedestrian or in a car, and then when you go to another city, you'll wonder why they don't wave (how rude?!). That's when you know you're a Seattleite again. Welcome home MJ

    - Jeanne

  12. I grew up in Los Angeles, and my mom made that stuff too. She never lived in Ohio, but her mother did. Have you had my mom's other specialty, baked acorn squash stuffed with chopped wienies?

    Glad the flight went well.

  13. The only bad thing I can say about Colorado is the air is so dry you get lots of electrical shocks.

    I have to say, as a Colorado kid this was a really good weapon when my younger sister was pissing me off (or vice versa). :D But yeah, that dry air is a bitch. Killer on the sinuses, too. Say hi to the Mile High City for me, please, and I hope L gets to see Dinosaur Ridge. :)

    I love the photos. They make me miss the heck out of those kiddos, though. Give 'em big love & a hug from me and tell them to be good. I saw the coolest dinosaur book today in Carrefour (see below) and thought of Lucien!

    Weiner bean looks like it rocks!

    Now I'm homesick. *sigh* America can be such a cool place!!

    I have to say, though, that I am staying at the pretty terrific home of my BFF in Antibes right now. It's cold as a mofo (bummer for the South of France, which really is the same latitude as Nova Scotia, so I should not be surprised at the cold. I guess the Gulf Stream warm air circulation process is not working right now). The highlight of the day was going to the ginormous Carrefour Hypermarché, which makes any Wal-Mart Supercenter in the US look puny. It's awesome. I bought a hairdryer. *wink* :D What did you wind up doing with the one I forgot to get from you, anyway? LOL.

    Sounds like your moxie is as intact as ever, m'dear. Keep on defending the world with a toilet brush and I know all shall be well!

  14. Karin, we went to Dinosaur Ridge today! It was a life-changing experience for a wide-eyed little boy.

    I'm pretty sure the hair dryer got packed up by those creepily efficient packers in Paris. I'll unpack it someday in Seattle and think of you, dear K. Enjoy Antibes -- cold or no cold, not too shabby!

    Chrissoup -- baked acorn squash filled with wienies? That appeals to my Midwestern sensibilities.

    Thanks, Jeanne, and got it. Wave at everybody and be a decent human being. I remember giving the courtesy wave when crossing the street when we first moved to Paris. People looked at me like I was batshit crazy. "Why this crazy woman waving at me? Baaaaah..."

    Exhausted by the dinosaurs today, people. Colorado is dinosaur-rific. Good day to you all.

  15. Wiener bean casserole looks a lot like a French cassoulet.

    Feel better now? You're welcome.

  16. Hmmm weiner bean casserole. I'm not going to lie to you, I had to look it up. I did. I googled.
    Dear Bold Soul: I feel better. So I thank you.

    I appreciate that you went to the door, wet naked and wielding a scrub brush. That is motherhood right there. You and your family's adventures in Seattle are fixin' to be a good time! Again, your kids are just the sweetest looking little people.

  17. I'm not afraid to say that I hated Anne of Green Gables, perhaps because I'm not even remotely Canadian.