Sunday, April 21, 2013

Flarp was a flop

My memoir writing class is almost over, just one week left.  It's been a very positive experience if you don't count my assignments being returned with critiques such as "MJ, YOU TOTALLY BLEW THE FIRST AND LAST LINES AND THOSE ARE MOST IMPORTANT GIVE UP AND GET A JOB HIPPIE."

To some of our more sensitive classmates, our teacher's harsh (and mostly spot-on) critiques have proven too much and they have dropped out. I relish the criticism, though, because it's the only way I'm going to learn to stop using so many goddamn opening clauses. 

"SO MANY GODDAMN OPENING CLAUSES, ARE YOU BORING YOUR READER TO DEATH ON PURPOSE OR IS IT JUST CRAPPY WRITING NOW GO CRY IN A CORNER, LOSER."

A fellow classmate and I attended the "Cheap Beer and Poetry" event downstairs at the literary mecca where I take my class.  It's a regular event and a popular one.  Rainier beers were $2 and deliciously watery as usual.

One poet recited a poem about a saggy old barn.  It had a terrific opening line --"Barn got its lean on" and got better from there.  The poem introduced me to a new feeling -- desperate and profound sadness for a barn.

Another poet broke the ice first by telling a joke --

"A young man walks up to his grandmother and says, 'Grandma, have you seen my bottle of pills?  They're labeled 'LSD.'"  And his grandma says, 'FORGET YOUR MOTHERF*CKING PILLS THERE'S A DRAGON IN THE KITCHEN.'"


My parents came for a visit last week.  I am grateful --  Alex has been traveling for work for the past two weeks and I'm losing my mind caring for our hooligan children alone.

Alex's travel took him to China, Japan, England, France, Germany, and Luxembourg this time.  He went all the way around the globe and will therefore be near-comatose upon return.  In good news, he spent a few nights in Paris and saw these people --

The Return of Virginia Mom.  She lives on, SHE LIVES ON!

Look at these jerks rubbing Montparnasse in my face

I miss you, Virginia Family.  A lot. My fragile constitution can barely handle the photographs of all you together again, sans moi.  Someday, ma biche, someday...

But anyway, back to my parents.  They are still as good as parents get.  We laugh a lot and talk over each other and never really hear what anyone else is saying.  Mom, as we yammered on as usual, said "Well, once again we've launched into indecipherable conversation." And that sums up most of the visit.

Mom and Dad brought the kids some gifts.  One was called "Flarp!" and it was a "noise putty," which we assumed meant it would make fart-like sounds when we squished it between our hands.  Imagine our surprise when, instead of making funny noises, Flarp glued our hands together with a cold obscenely sticky goo. 

As we pried our hands slowly apart, Flarp dripped (Flarp had inexplicably turned into a liquid) onto carpet, clothing, and furniture.  The more we tried to clean it off, the messier it got, the more it stuck, the bleaker the future seemed.  It was a real battle and one that was never truly won -- even after a few washes, Flarp still dots our jeans with fluorescent yellow stringy gobs.

I think the "noise" they refer to is people yelling obscenities when they realize the mess they've gotten themselves into

We scared the children when we took them up on Seattle's Great Wheel --



Frankly, I wasn't at my most comfortable, either.  It seems gratuitous to dangle patrons over the water the way they do.  It's like they're taunting us with all the ways we're gonna die if someone screwed up the assembly of the thing.  If the fall doesn't get ya, the drowning will, enjoy your ride!




Each cab on the Great Wheel is equipped with a "panic" button you can press if you want off early.  The button idea is better than what you had to do if you panicked on a Ferris Wheel in the good old days -- you just yelled "I'm panicking, I'm panicking!" into the air with nobody around to hear or care.

We also spent some time on Alki Beach.  Lucien did not understand why we were laughing so hard when we took this photo.  He will someday.


While on Alki, the weather turned.  In one direction, it looked like this --


But in the other direction, it looked like this --


So we got the hell out of there.

I'm the weather and I'm going to get you


Thanks for coming to save my sanity and give me some much-needed backup, Mom and Dad.  
Even if you did bring Flarp.


When I first started this blog, I added an email link to my sidebar so people could email me all their wishes and dreams.  After a few months of not receiving any email (save one from Bill), and after trying it myself and it not working, I removed it from the sidebar.  And promptly forgot it had ever been there.

I remembered my failed email experiment last week and, on a whim, decided to log into that email account to see what was there.  And there before me.... emails.  Dozens.  So many wishes and dreams sitting dusty in an email inbox for over a year.  I have no idea where they were the first time around but they've finally shown up to the party.

I don't know if any of you people are still reading, but know if you emailed me in the past 16 months, I didn't get it until last week because I'm a loser.  (WHO USES TOO MANY DEPENDENT CLAUSES, IDIOT.)  I hope to make my way through those emails and answer them.

I've re-added the email link.  If you use it and don't hear from me for over a year, rest assured I've somehow screwed it all up again.

Hug your barns, people, you have no idea what they've been through,
MJ

40 comments:

  1. This post took my mind off my troubles, and even though it only lasted a moment or two to read, that photo of Lucien is going to forever make me laugh. It is that ridiculous. Sorry, Lucien.

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  2. Hi Country Girl. Yeah...he probably won't thank me for that one.

    Go away, troubles!

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  3. I laughed out loud at Lucien's photo and also at the "I'm panicking!" on the ferris wheel, because I've done that many times... I wonder if they have them on all ferris wheels now? (I'm not going to check!)

    Anyways, now I'm convinced that panicking is spelled wrong since it looks like Panic King, and now I'm worried that there is an actual Panic King somewhere.

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  4. Sarah, I had the exact same thought about the word "panicking." It still looks wrong. Is it wrong? Spell check says it's right but sometimes spell check likes to eff with my mind.

    I also think it's possible I'm the Panic King. At the very least, I'm Panic Princess, because I'm very good at it.

    Bye, Sarah!


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    1. I thought Virginia family was coming back to the US last May? Mindy, forget about the renos for a while a go spend a couple of weeks in Paris!:) And then write in BOTH blogs about it:))))

      Oh God. That's just what you needed: gooey messy glow-in-the-dark phlegm-like crap all over your place. Way to go, grandpa and grandma! They meant well;)

      Oh the innocence of children;) Oh he will laugh someday;) I'm even guessing that he'll want to go back to get more pictures;)

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    2. Duchesse! Your memory remains freakishly accurate as always. Virginia Family had a change of plans -- a big one -- and will possibly be lifers in Paris. They even recently bought a country house in Burgundy! I'll always know where to find them, and that makes me happy.

      My parents always mean well. I will forgive them the Flarp incident if they'll forgive me all the times I made them crazy as a teenager.

      Good point.... I bet Lucien will one day carry that photo around with pride. Maybe. (?)

      Bye, D!

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    3. Lifers in Paris?! Niiiiiiiiice!:)

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    4. They are made of stronger stuff than I am but that's probably no surprise.

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  5. Katy's off flashdancing...or was it seeing the musical Flashdance? Probably the latter. Anyways, here I am alone in the house laughing to myself like an idiot over that Lucien photo.

    The mileage you're going to get out of that...

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    1. I hope Katy's off Flashdancing. Much better mental image than her sitting in a theater watching a possibly awful musical.

      That photo may show up several times in his life. Mother of the year!

      Bye, Chris, let's do dinner soon, yeah?

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  6. Your parents are adorable. Just so freaking adorable! But f*ck that Flarp stuff. Thanks for the heads up. I am NEVER buying that for Julian, lol.

    I got all verklempt at seeing Virginia Mom. Dammit. I am so jealous, too! So good to see her fam is doing well.

    DYING at the pic of Lucien. Hee hee hee! Priceless.

    Critiques = ultimately useful, if you make them so. I sometimes have trouble with them, depending on how they are delivered, but pretty much feel the same as you.

    Emailing = lucky am I that I know where I can FIND you, mwah hah hah hah! Really, though, I think a blog comment is the best way to say "HEY! YOU!" and get in touch. ;-)

    I'm not so Doing in Denver, much less doing over in Denver, but my current state of unemployment, etc. is making it so that I can pick up my nephew from school, take my 93-year-old grandma to her doctor's appointment tomorrow, babysit for my ex-husband's illegitimate daughter, and all other variety of interesting things in life. MEMOIR FODDER, lol. Or novelization fodder as I think maybe a memoir could get me into trouble. I need to be working on this...

    Love to you and yours from the Mile High City, chick.
    xoxo
    Karin

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    1. No Flarp, Karin. No Flarp.

      I knew you'd appreciate the photo of VA Mom and fam. The good old Paris days. I miss hanging out with all you ladies in that city -- but now looking forward to hanging out with you in Denver! I'll be there this summer -- will be in touch, must see you.

      You got a ton of memoir fodder. Keep good notes. Oy vey.
      Love ya, K

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  7. I have been in love with your parents ever since they sent Lucien that dinosaur box. They are awesome, awesome people. Speaking of Lucien, that photo is TOO HILARIOUS. You have reached maximum hilarity. I can't wait until you surprise him with it at his wedding.

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    1. Bec! You remember the dinosaur box! I'd forgotten that! Man, my mom is awesome.

      The photo may go down in family history. Wedding day -- heh heh -- good idea.

      Bye, B!

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    2. That might scare the bride away...;)

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    3. My guess is any woman who agrees to marry Lucien will be made of very strong stuff. And will likely also find the photo funny. Here's hoping anyway.

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    4. I think you should use it to screen potential daughters-in-law. In fact, you'll probably need a whole quiz. "Question #1: Farts... hilarious or embarrassing?"

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  8. The picture of Lucien...absolutely hilarious, I laugh again every time I look at it.
    I love your parents, since you first put them on the blog. Bringing the Flarp was so them.
    I don't know, your writing is already great, I didn't know opening clauses were such a problem.
    This is just an excellent post, takes my mind off troubles too.

    I would share Ed, but I don't think he'll travel.
    Keep writing, MJ!

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    1. Dangit, Ed, could really use your help over here.

      And opening clauses are a big problem. Huge. Catastrophic stuff.

      Thanks, Lou, appreciate your support and encouragement as always.

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  9. I'm late to the party again....but that photo of the Luce made me do a spit take with my tea so some things never change.

    Rubbing Montparnesse in my face...ooooohhhhh..my hood...and they are in t-shirts...what the ???

    I could never go on that big wheel over the water..just saying.

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    1. I know! T-shirts in Montparnasse, those cheeky buggers! (My hood too, incidentally. Oh Debs, it's like we were separated at birth sometimes, I swear!;))

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    2. We've been expecting you, Debbie...

      Al says he was in Paris on the first nice day they've had in ages. So they really lived it up, got crazy in t-shirts.

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  10. I hope you have that pic of Lucien enlarged and framed.

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    1. It's under consideration. BTW, happy to see you back on here, Ms. Howard!

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  11. Good luck with the Flarp, I have never heard of it but if it's anything like OT putty, you will be cutting it out of your carpet for years to come! I have decided fine motor skills aren't as important as a divot free carpet.

    The picture of Loosh is awesome!!

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    1. OT putty sounds as fantastic as Flarp. I'll send you some, MRS will love it.

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  12. You have such hilarious, unique characters in your family! Thank you for sharing these slices of (your) life and giving us the opportunity to laugh heartily. I particularly enjoyed the crab pot picture.

    You are made of sterner stuff than most people: your teacher's critiques are so brutal, it's scary.

    Regards,

    Patricia H (still reading your postings regularly)

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    1. Patricia H! (I always picture Patricia Heaton, sorry about that...) I'm so glad to see you're still around, too. Look at all these oldies but goodies from the Paris days coming out of the woodwork. Let's have a party!

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    2. P.S. To be clear.... my teacher never called me a loser. Or a hippie. I was exaggerating for the sake of the FUN.

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    3. Silly me, I should have known it was artistic license!

      I'm definitely one of your regular readers: seems like there's always a party-like atmosphere around these parts.

      Cheers,

      Patricia H

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  13. I love reading all your friends comments almost as much as I love reading each of your new postings. It is obvious you are all drawn together primarily because of the wonderful senses of humor you all share. As a gramma I too would have picked noisy putty for a grandchild like Lucien, it was perfect in theory!! Kathy in Iowa

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    1. So many of me and my family's ideas are perfect in theory. We do our best. And yes, I sure do love the comment posse. Some of us have been together a long time.

      Thanks for stopping by, Kathy!

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    2. This truly is a comment section like no other!:) Wouldn't you agree, Debs?:)

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  14. YOU LEAVE THE FLARP IN THE JAR and press your fingers into it to make fart noises. Addictive and wonderful. Don't take the flarp out of the jar!!!!...sheesh.

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    1. Rebecca! I was very excited to read this so I ran over to my Flarp, left it in the jar, and pressed my fingers into it. It did not make any noise. Do you think we broke the Flarp by removing it from the jar initially?

      Also...no way in hell my kids will leave the Flarp in the jar. Perhaps it's a toy to revisit in many years time.

      Thanks for the Flarp intel in any event.

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  15. Personally, I think it's an adult toy...to be used at work to relieve stress. Impossible to describe how to make it fart...you have to get an air bubble in there and push down. No way you broke it. Once you get the hang of it, I promise you will be hooked. (I'm almost tempted to make a video and send it to you, but I have boundaries... )

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    1. Boundaries, schmoundaries, RebeccaNYC!

      I want to see a video of the farty flarp in a jar!!:))))

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    2. Well, RebeccaNYC, no need for you to make a video, several people had the same idea on YouTube: http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=YPMo0YzyXVQ

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    3. OK, guys, we figured it out. It does indeed make funny sounds if you get some air in there. I don't know whether or not to thank you, Rebecca, because Lucien is driving me absolutely batshit crazy with the thing. Flarp may disappear suddenly....

      Thank God we all figured out this Flarp thing!

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  16. I just showed the picture of the Loosh to my husband and he laughed for 5 minutes. He said definitely show it to him at his wedding!

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